There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
