The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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