Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
