I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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