oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
