We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
