My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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