I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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