This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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