A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
