pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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