Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
