After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
