I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
