he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Enjoy the penises
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize