I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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