At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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