If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
