I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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