matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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