Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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