I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
