Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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