is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize