she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
