turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Actions speak louder than pants.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
