The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
