in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
