loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
