Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
