Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
