Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
