How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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