You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
