Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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