How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
