i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
