i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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