Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
