butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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