I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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