Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
