Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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