I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
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