pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
