Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
