Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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