i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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