It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
