not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
