I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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