I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
