so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
