Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
