hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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