she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
