My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
