i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
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