Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
