I'm eating all of the evidence.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
