I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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