I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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