I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
