i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
