not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize