Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
