I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Randomize
